Why I'm Different.

When I was in 3rd grade I wrote a story about a girl who jumped off a cliff into the ocean. She was smiling as she did it and hugged herself as she sank down deep in the water. I wrote it because I wanted to be that girl. And I turned it in for a school project because I knew no one would realize anything; everyone was too blind. My teacher said the story was childish and my writing is absolutely horrible. I ripped it up and didn't say a word for the rest of the day.
I was always different this way, every teacher and person I met made me invisible. No one could see me. There were only two girls that were willing to be my friend, since 2nd grade. They had me feel like they actually cared about my life. Until last year when they told me that everyone in the world hated me and killing myself would do them all a favor. I lost a piece of myself from that, and it's still not back. I don't think it'll every be back. I've changed even more from that experience, now I don't trust anyone. In my real life, I literally trust no one. I made three new friends this year, but I still don't trust them. The only people I trust are online. You could say that also makes me different. The reasons why I'm still here is my online friends and music. I can honestly say that.
Music plays a bigger part, though. The band that has helped me the most, no doubt, is My Chemical Romance. They are the only source of music that can actually make me feel like nothing's wrong with anything. They clear my mind and leave me with hope. They were my only hope at many points. But sometimes I'm so hopeless and stressed that I forget to listen to music. At those times, I felt the only thing I could do is to hurt myself. By taking my craft knife and making slits on my arms. I first started with shallow, short cut.
There was just so much emotional pain and there nothing you can do but release it from cutting. Most people don't understand, though. It's just you feel this emotion after the cut.. I can't put it in words. I immediately got addicted to that feeling. After my first few cuts, whenever I felt shitty, I went away from music and pulled out that knife instead and the cuts got deeper and deeper. The bigger the cut, the more of that feeling happened afterwards. It's like a drug. I now rarely cut myself. But I hate to admit, every once in a while I just need to feel that feeling again.. But I don't do anything really serious. All of these experiences make me who I am.
Edit: I forgot to mention how fucking amazing this idea of this blog is. And the layout. Sorry for not mentioning that. Zeph, you are TRUELY a genius.